Sloppy Seconds
by Occoffo
Summary: Darcy Lewis is going through an identity crisis. After falling through a weird black hole thing-y with Mew-Mew, she's now essentially the prized weapon. What could possibly go wrong? Crack. AU. Thor/Darcy, probably. BEING REWRITTEN
1. Chapter 1

Note: um, yeah. At the end Darcy is in denial, which is why she's talking about Mjolnir like they are separate entities, which they sorta are. This is completely unchecked, so I am so sorry for my grammar mistakes, I'm positive there are like 40 really obvious ones. So yeah. Basically. This is the kinda post-avengers 1, in a weird in-between thing.

A soulmate, by definition is a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. Darcy Lewis was twenty years old when a Norse God falls out of the sky, and started macking on her boss.

Now, Darcy wasn't really adept at identifying potential and/or decent romantic partners for herself or others, but she was pretty sure that Thor and Jane are the closest thing to a match made in whatever metaphorical heaven (or just Asgard?) crocked up at the beginning of everything.

She was also pretty sure that whatever budding romance they had was fizzling out-and honestly, she felt really bad. But at the same time, she was a little more baffled than anything. Jane and Thor were sorta perfect together. So, with that marvelous mindset, she made her way over to Jane, tripping on a chord.

She does this whole stumble-y bit, failing slightly before she latched onto Mew-Mew in an attempt to stop herself from falling. The scene that followed is the kinda thing that gets replayed on a constant loop at family gatherings afterwords, and Darcy's pretty sure Thor was choking on his saliva.

Mew-Mew flew back with her, doing absolutely nothing to stop her fall, and really who'd've thunk it, overzealous city girl Darcy Lewis, only other person able to lift the mighty Thor's weapon of choice, and they proceeded to fly into the conveniently placed spirally blue portal thing, plopping out the other side.

Only Mew-Mew was gone and Darcy was laying on her ass. She stood, adjusting her beanie and trying to appear mildly collected or whatever.

She puffed out her chest, ignoring the bizarro look she got from every S.H.E.I.L.D Agent in the room. "I'm good," she proclaimed as Jane essentially materializing next to her with Thor and Doctor Banner in tow.

She blinked as Banner pointed a menacing looking thing in her direction. "She's okay." he said, like it's a bad thing.

"What?!" Jane demanded, turning her eyes on the weird device.

Darcy scowled, pushing Jane's worried hands away. "I'm fine," she insisted. She turned a wary eye on Thor, "Sorry about Mew-Mew big guy."/

Thor waved her off, "I can just summon-"

Jane cut him off in her haste, finally seeming to have collected herself, "How are you still alive, Darcy?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, watching as Thor held his hand out in front of the portal.

Her stomach lurched forward suddenly, and she did her best to ignore the sensation as Jane continued babbling.

"The portal breaks down the molecular structure of things, you should be vaporized or at the very least-"

Darcy flew forward suddenly, straight into Thor. They collided violently, Darcy's face connecting his chest with enough force to break something (somehow she walked away, but that wasn't something she felt like dwelling on). They realed back from each other, baffled. Thor reached out to steady her, the moment his hand made contact with her arm, Darcy felt her skin shift and her body contort.

Thor dropped her almost instantly in his shock, and Darcy began panicking, the floor caving in under her newfound weight.

She screamed until suddenly, things are back to normal and the ship isn't falling under her and she was herself again.

"What the hell was that?!" she screamed, completely overlapping Thor's outcry of confusion.

The room was deathly quiet, nobody daring to speak. Jane's face began to turn purple, Banner's eyes wide and terrified, while Thor himself looked about as baffled as Darcy felt.

"Sorry," said Darcy after a few minutes of silence from the room. "I'll just uh, let you explain why I'm now apparently a fucking hammer."

She dropped her arm casually, her eyes pinned on Jane. She rocked back on her heels, trying to act like she didn't notice Jane's somewhat devastated expression.

Darcy wasn't sure what this meant, but she was pretty sure that it wasn't exactly the best thing that could've happened.

Banner began explaining, and Fury was called. Things were pushed in her face and her blood was taken for samples aemnd it was all too much.

"I'm gonna leave immediately and get some bagels," she said quickly, reaching into her pocket and fingering the twenty she'd shoved in earlier. "I'll get you some Poptarts, Jane."

She left before anything else could be said, pushing past the agents by the door. Fury or someone probably just said 'fuck it' or had a bunch of agents tailing her. She'd bet her left tit it was the latter.

She's almost to her car when Thor pretty much appeared. Darcy gave a startled scream, jumping back and doing some pseudo-Kung fu gesture that means nothing to both of them. Thor cracked a half smile.

"Lady Darcy," he began, his voice unsure and deep enough to make Darcy wish she was actually deaf or something so she wouldn't have a semi-permanent blush on her face.

"Yeah," the way she said it is weird, and she makes a face at the sultry tone she seemed to have taken on. Clearing her throat, she tried again. "Y-Yeah?"

"Mjolnir-" reflexively, Darcy cut him off.

"Mew-Mew."

Thor blinked. "I am sorry?"

"Mew-Mew," Darcy annunciated. "I think she likes, it better then Mo-jol-neer."

Thor gave her a weird look, and she hastened to correct herself, "Okay, so maybe she doesn't like Mew-Mew, but it's better then my butchering of the actual name."

Thor looked like he really considered questioning her train of thought, but appeared to think better of it. "I would like to go with you to see this Midgardian marketplace."

Darcy nodded slowly. "Is this about the fact that I can apparently turn into Mew-Mew?Because I'm pretty sure that was just a fluke and you could probably even try and summon her or something and nothing would happen. With me. She'd probably come right to you."

To prove her point, Darcy nonchalantly held out her hand, as demonstration, prompting Thor to summon his weapon. Uncertainly, Thor stepped a few feet back, mumbling something under his breath before holding his arm out.

The tug in her stomach appeared, and this time, Darcy did nothing to stop it as she flew forward, the moment her arm made contact with his hand she changed again.

Thor sighed, looking down at her, still Mjolnir. "We have much to talk about, Lady Darcy."


	2. Chapter 2

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Note: Thank you to everyone who favorited/reviewed/followed this story-it's super awesome and I really hope you like it.

Updating isn't going to be consistent, as I just got a job (barista at a low key coffee shop), and I recently had a falling out with a person.

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Sometimes Darcy felt like she was drowning. It never happened in the water-always on land. Air forcefully entered her lungs and suffocated her.

Inhale.

Exhale.

But she didn't feel like this was breathing.

Thor didn't speak, even as she piled the shopping car with useless food and made him carry a basket filled to the brim of Poptarts.

They got stares, mainly because of Thor in full Asgardian-garb, and Darcy had never felt more self conscious in her oversized sweatshirt before her entire life, so her steps are probably weird because it's the only thing she can focus on.

She dragged her feet in attempt to stop, a constant squeaking following her, and her knuckles white from her grip on the cart.

"Do we need jam?" she babbled, eyeing the mismatched contents. So far she'd tossed in everything from horseradish to pineapples juice. Darcy didn't wait for a response, putting the jam in the cart.

She would've continued mindlessly shoving food into Thor's overstuffed arms and her overflowing cart if smarmy SHEILD Agent hadn't materialized. She squealed, having not noticed him, jumping back into Thor.

Somehow Thor managed not to drop everything, which, seriously, go him, and Darcy, of course, morphed into not herself, crashing into the floor. She didn't panic this time, and remained relatively calm as Thor dropped the contents in his arms to the floor, picking her up.

"I apologize, Lady Darcy, I had thought you where aware of Agent of SHEILD's presence."

Darcy was thrilled to realize Thor didn't know Smarmy's name either.

"It's fine," she said without thinking.

Thor nearly dropped her in shock. "Lady Darcy?" he questioned warily.

"...this probably isn't something that's happened before." said the Agent once Darcy was totally normal-human looking again.

"Probably?" Darcy snipped, her eyes narrowing. "Probably!? I'd bet my left ass cheek that nobody has had to go through the trouble of morphing into a weapon-oh, but not just any weapon, the God of Thunder's weapon. Yippee."

They'd gathered a small crowd at this point, and Darcy bit her tongue so hard it started to bleed-she really didn't want to dig herself into a deeper hole by insulting SHEILD Agents.

Instead she shook her head, giving Thor major side eye as the Agent lead them through the store, their cart abandoned and probably being paid for by someone else. "This is like an M. night Shamalan movie when they started going really downhill."

The SHEILD Agent remained impassive, and Thor nodded dumbly, not understanding her reference. She patted his arm, "It's okay, I'll be sure to educate both you and Mr. Rogers the horror of a failing director."

Agent Smarmy ushered them into a car and drove them back in relative silence. Darcy prattled on about Spongebob (Spongebob? What kinda name is that?) to pretend that be life wasn't falling apart around the same time that Thor's relationship with her boss turned bestie wasn't failing.

She was pretty sure it wasn't a welcome distraction for Thor, but he had enough decency to listen or the very least convincingly pretend to.

She was halfway through explaining all the problems with modern Spongebob episodes when the car stopped and Agent Smarmy told them Director Fury was waiting.

Darcy wasn't ashamed to admit she considered just going Hammer and waiting it all out. Thor, however, did no seem to agree with this fantastic plan, and pretty much dragged her to see the uber terrifying Bossman.

Fury looked like Darcy's father when he had gotten the phone call from the school saying that she had broken three fingers punching a kid in the face.

His eyes zeroed in on her, and he took a step forward. Darcy 'eeped' and ducked behind Thor, proclaiming, "This wasn't my fault!"

Fury exhaled slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Doctor Foster has taken the liberty of explaining," he gave a pointed look at Jane, who blushed. Darcy decided to grill her friend for details later. "You and Mjolnir-"

"Mew-Mew," said Darcy automatically, wincing at the death glare. She held her hands up as a peace offering. "Sorry, reflex."

"As I was saying, you have and the hammer have merged on a molecular level, the only reason you where not vaporized upon touching the portal has everything to do with Mjolnir." Fury explained, sounding like it was probably the worst thing that could have possibly happened in the history of ever without actually changing his stance or tone.

It was pretty impressive.

"Can you fix it?" Darcy asked the room. Tony Stark took that opportunity to butt in, poking his head through the door.

"Um, hi, yes," he said, getting Darcy's attention. "No, you'll probably stay like this. From what Foster and Banner can tell. But this has some real potential to be-"

"I'm stuck like this?" Darcy shrieked. "Oh, what a fantastic thing to put on my resume, 'I majored in political science and turn into a hammer'. This is a disaster-!"

Darcy blanched, and Thor made a point to brood in the corner, sulking.

"Oh god." she realized, causing most people in the room to look at her. "What the hell am I supposed to tell my mom?"

"Preferably nothing," said Fury forcefully, looking more at Stark then anyone else, though he did look at Darcy too.

Darcy slouched forward, sighing. "Tell me everything you know."

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Thirty minutes later saw Darcy kicking a vending machine. "Come," kick "on," kick "you," kick "stupid" kick "soda!"

"I take it this is how you are choosing to vent?" Jane asked warily.

Darcy scowled, kicking the machine particularly hard. She hissed in pain, dropping to the floor and clutching her now throbbing foot. "Fuck!"

Jane squatted next to her, pressing a gentle hand to Darcy's back. "We'll work it out, Darce. I promise-we will fix this."

Somehow Darcy doubted that. Still she forced herself to nod, asking Jane offhandedly, "Where is Thor, anyhow?"

Jane flinched, acting as if Darcy had just slapped her. "Uh, I'm not sure."

"Liar," said Darcy. "What's up between you two?"

Jane shrugged, helping Darcy to stand. "I don't know, everything was going great, until I realized we have absolutely nothing in common. I actually think he likes you better."

Darcy laughed in disbelief. "Me? You are joking, right? I just turned myself into his prized weapon, I hardly think I'm Thor's favorite person at the moment."

"But you actually have something to relate with him about. It's better then me. My two favorite things are physics and Poptarts, Thor likes Mjolnir (or you now I guess), and beating people in glorious battle." Jane replied.

Darcy shook her head. "You have things in common." she insisted.

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Let it go, Darce. It wouldn't have worked no matter how hard we tried."

"But-"

"It's done," Jane snapped, stopping abruptly. Darcy hadn't even realized they'd been walking. "This is my room. We will figure this out, I promise. Goodnight, Darcy." With that sudden ending to the conversation, Jane disappeared into her room, shutting the door behind her.

Darcy lingered outside for a few moments, before she shook her head and walked to her own rom in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Y'all are so sweet :) I'm not incredibly find of this chapter-mainly because I feel like I need to update so I'm refusing to rewrite it again. For that, I'm sorry, I promise the next will be WAAAY more interesting.

I have another story just started for anyone interested. It's Twilight (I know. I know, trust me, I know. But the characters worked) Doctor Who cross over, with Bella actually being the Doctor. Anyone interested is desperately appreciated!

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Chapter Three

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Darcy hide from Jane in the kitchens, accidentally meeting Natasha Romanov in the process. She's like 950% sure that the secret agent had already been briefed and Darcy had been upgraded from annoying nat to the fly that keeps trying to land on your face.

So, logically, she grumbled something about the Avengers that really, didn't even make sense to Darcy herself, before doing this mock Kung Fu-thing and ducking around the corner.

Romanov peaked over, saying, "You know, if it's acceptance you are worried about-Tony thinks it's exciting and everyone else is just concerned."

Darcy blinked, grateful for the words but unwilling to show it. She hissed, mimicking cat claws. She started to stand, a cook brushing against her, when she felt that weird sensation that involved her turning into not-human.

She clanged against the floor.

The second she turned back, she began raging. "Why does this keep happening?"

Curious, Natasha reached forward poking Darcy's bare arm with her finger. Instantly, Darcy was not Darcy.

She turned her raging to Natasha. "Why did you do that?" she huffed.

"It's not just Thor," said Natasha. "That doesn't make any sense-come on, we need to report this to Doctor Banner."

Darcy rolled her eyes, but followed the secret agent, rotating on her feat in lu of stepping.

"Ta, ta," Darcy tutted upon seeing the Hulk, or his human vessel, the less interesting Banner.

He looked up upon their entrance, and without a word Natasha reached over and grabbed Darcy's forearm.

She let go when Darcy started transforming, looking at Banner pointedly. "It's getting worse," she said. "Before it was just Thor, or when she was nervous."

Banner stepped forward, frowning. "Darcy, do you mind if we do a couple of tests?"

Darcy shrugged, glaring at Natasha as she left the room. "It's not like I got much of a choice."

A solid 4 hours later (4 hours people) of testing later, Banner had concluded that Darcy was quickly evolving into less Darcy and more Mjolnir. Jane was borderline frantic, running around the lab with blood work and analyzing to the point Darcy was pretty sure her own eyes would start bleeding if someone so much as mentioned science.

Finally, Fury was summoned and it was a whole thing of Jane yelling in this panick-y voice that Darcy was probably turning into a hammer, blah blah blah-honestly Darcy started tuning it out after a little while, Thor's impassive face suddenly interesting.

Her tummy twisted, and she spoke before she really thought it through, "You're gonna take me to Asgard, aren't you?"

Thor glanced at her, sighing heavily. "Midgardians do not have the proper techniques to deal with the uniqueness of your situation."

Darcy nodded, sliding off the table. "Cool, can I bring my iPod?"

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The subsequent outrage at Thor's declaration and Darcy's nonchalant attitude sent both Jane and Darcy to seek the shelter of anywhere that didn't have arguing superheroes.

They dawdled, slipping out awkwardly together and if Darcy didn't know any better, she'd say that Jane was probably going to have plans to hash out their 'argument' from the other day.

Alas, nothing happened, other hen Jane going over a bunch of science-y mumbo-jumbo, asking Darcy questions about her experience with shape shifting into a weapon of mass destruction.

Darcy could have sworn things felt almost normal as she listened to Jane hypothesize and be an astrophysicist.

"The portal you fell though," Jane was saying. "It was supposed to vaporize anything that went though-we'd tried everything, anything that went through simply didn't exist anymore."

Darcy mulled over this for a few seconds. "Did you send anything living through."

Jane shook her head. "Other then a few plants, we had no reason to think any anything else would survive. When you fell through we'd all thought you'd be dead."

"Mew-Mew?" Darcy questioned.

"Possibly," responded Jane. "We don't know for sure, and it's not as though we can try it again-the risk is too great." Jane added upon seeing the pensive look on her friend's face.

"I guess," Darcy agreed finally.


	4. Chapter 4

Note: sorry for the extreme lateness, though you guys are probably used to it by now. I really thought I was gonna get to Asgard, but Jane hijacked the chapter and wanted to talk with Darcy. So this is basically just yada yada, but ext chapter is gonna be way more interesting.

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Chapter Four

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The choice to go to Asgard is pretty simple. What is not simple, is the absolute harassment Darcy receives from SHEILD leading up to her leaving the planet ( _so fucking cool_ ). Fury grills her about not starting an intergalactic war with Asgard, who, for all intents and purpose, is the only set of aliens not bent on destroying earth.

Reasonably, Darcy is really offended by the whole ordeal, and tattles to Thor.

Thor takes it in stride, but does sort of mention that if anything, for what happened to Darcy, SHEILD would probably be the ones declaring war. Fury seems somewhat mollified, but Darcy suspects it's only because she's leaving, and partly because Thor is a better diplomat then she is (and the alien god likes her more then the others. Ignoring Jane, cos Darcy's like .05-96% sure that they are gonna get back together, and its just one or the other, she hasn't decided yet).

Either way, the trip looms over head, and Darcy procrastinates on packing—kinda in the same way she procrastinates on her school work (only the stuff not crucial for her major, who needs art, anyway?).

"Have you packed yet?" Jane asks, and it's pretty sweet, because it's like they are back in New Mexico for a moment, and things are cool.

Darcy shrugs, causing Bruce to glance between them. Darcy makes a face at his back, answering Jane, "Not really. I wouldn't even know where to start. Would I need to bring my iPod charger? Would they even have outlets or would it be better to charge it up and use as little as possible?"

Jane blinks. "You are going to Asgard, another planet, I might add, and you are worried about your iPod?"

Darcy shrugs, ignoring Jane's bafflement. "I'm only going because I turn into a hammer—it's not like it's a romantic getaway."

Jane gives Darcy this sort of pseudo pat on the shoulder in lieu of not saying anything.

"Besides," quips Darcy. "I never got my other one back-despite the fact, that now, I am technically sort of really important."

Bruce almost laughs.

Darcy counts it as a win and writes a mental check. She procrastinates for awhile after that, staring off into space and checking her tumblr while Jane disappears into the world of **_science._**

Darcy screams to get Jane's attention. She isn't sure if she's shocked or not that it takes that much effort-but if Darcy is telling the truth ( _which she totally isn't, because where's the fun in that?)_ she thinks that she should have at least figured out in the time she was in Hell with the whole Thor-fiasco, one thing.

Jane Foster is basically dead to the world when it doesn't have to do with Astrophysics or Poptarts.

And _Thor_ is kinda an exception to the rule, so she doesn't really count him (especially now when they seem to be on the outs).

Darcy on the other hand, is probably the definition of the rule-she was half sure it was invented to keep Darcy away from whatever _uber-important_ experiment Jane was currently conducting, because, ya know, that's what Astrophysicist do.

So Darcy has to yell to get Jane's attention. No biggie. She's used to it.

"Jane~" Darcy trills, kinda. Not really. It's more of a half-assed attempt at sounding marginally cute that she ditched halfway through. Of course, Darcy wasn't admitting this, so therefore she trilled. "Jane."

And since Jane is totally dead to Darcy, in the nicest terms figuratively, Darcy has to repeat her name several times before she finally pulls out the Poptarts card.

It works almost instantly, especially after she mentions Cherry, which is probably Jane's all time favorite thing in history of the universe aside from maybe Thor and the whole of creation that applies to her work.

Jane's simple like that, and Darcy loves her for it.

Upon finally having secured her pseudo-best friend's (meaning that Jane doubles as her boss) attention, Darcy gives an awkward wave (it's not like she has to work at it, it's truly a gift), and says, "So while you were off in Jane-Astrophysics-Wonderland, I finally realized that this whole trip to Asgard is pretty awesome and I have no idea what to pack."

Darcy places her hands on Jane's desk, pretending not to notice Jane's look, or how generally unappreciated she is sometimes.

"Okay, so like is it warm? Cold? Should I dress for Rio or prepare to get kidnapped by lizard people?"

She catches Bruce giving her a concerned look out of the corner of his eye. She waves him off, grumbling, "Reference. Good one too."

"Last time I was there I didn't get much of a look around or have time to pack. I'm pretty sure they'll give you something to wear too-but it wouldn't hurt to bring something." Jane finally says.

Darcy sighs dramatically, ripping the herself away from Jane's desk and summarizing, "Basically this super genius Astronomer who's been off planet has no sense of fashion and I am in a crisis."

Jane looks mildly amused, and Darcy wonders why she didn't just start out with saying that to begin with.

Then Jane inevitably deadpans, "Darcy, you have no fashion sense-and I'm pretty sure you can scrape by with a few changes of underwear and a few changes of clothes. You aren't gonna be there long."

Darcy gives Jane a distraught look. "You where the one telling me to pack!"

"I still am, but now I'm telling you what to pack." Jane pauses. "Bring your iPod charger, you never know."

Darcy grins, and skips off to pack.


End file.
